At the end of each year, I compile a list of what I’ve learned, or have been reminded of, over the previous twelve months. This year’s list suggests to me that 2017 was a series of epiphanies, embarrassments, high hopes, and harsh realities. All in all quite similar to the previous 48 years.
Being a parent is the easiest job to get and the hardest job to have. I’ve learned this each year since 1993 but it bears repeating.
A gin and tonic is a good idea any time.
“Arsenic” is not an acceptable answer when your mother asks you about your plans for her long-term care.
You have to be a friend to have a friend.
A Caesar salad made with kale is an abomination and those who disagree should die a slow, painful death, which they probably won’t because they eat a lot of kale.
People love you when you are honest with them.
The more your hair recedes the shorter it should be cut.
People hate you when you are honest with them.
There is nothing easier to do than not write.
It is possible for a man to sign in and then wait in a gynecologist’s office waiting room for ten minutes before someone informs him that his appointment is most likely with the ENT doctor next door.
Yelling an expletive at an automated phone attendant will take you directly to a live operator. Try it.
The “Door Close” button on elevators is not actually connected to anything, but pushing it repeatedly when someone is running towards the door will always give me a sense of satisfaction.
Peeing a little in one’s pants when one sneezes is funny only when it happens to other people.
A certain $13 bottle of bourbon secretly poured into a crystal decanter will impress all of your friends except the one who should drag his sorry ass home and drink his own bourbon if he doesn’t like what you’re serving him.
People under 75 who pay with a check at the grocery store should be eyed with great suspicion.
A half-full bottle of moisturizer can explode at 35,000 feet when crammed into an overstuffed piece of luggage.
Dry-cleaning is a necessary evil.
A vegan who does Crossfit and owns a rescue dog will tell you about all three of those things within the first ten minutes of conversation.
One bad oyster can make you forget all of the good ones.
If someone walks into a public restroom and sees you contorting your body in some sort of advanced yoga pose in order to position your crotch under an electric hand dryer in an attempt to remove the enormous water spot caused by a malfunctioning sink faucet, the less explanation you offer the better.
Seriously, kale sucks.