Every gentleman wants to attend the Masters. After all, the only sporting event in the world more exclusive than the Super Bowl is basically in our backyard, paradoxically tucked in an otherwise bedraggled little corner of north Georgia.
But not every gentleman has his very own Masters patron tournament badge. Let us caddy you straight to the 19th hole with this list of dos and don’ts for attending Augusta National Golf Club.
DON’T even bother any of these strategies unless you’re extraordinarily rich, extraordinarily handsome, or have sold your soul to Lady Luck. Instead try some day trading, stay in the green, and consider your approach in the next decade.
DO understand that a solid combination of rich/ handsome/lucky will serve you best here, as it does in all other life facets.
DON’T bother applying for a spot on the Augusta National patron’s list since Series Badges are only sold to these mystical few. It’s full and pretty much always is, so no names are being taken—not even famous ones. But if you’re a famous billionaire:
DO start making best friends with any (preferably, all) of the 300 club members of Augusta National so that one of them can nominate you when an existing member quits or dies. But why would anyone quit? Plus, we’re pretty sure these guys can afford immortality.
DON’T ever ask for membership, even if you’re in the social position. Bill Gates was notoriously shut out for years for publicly doing so. You’d think after the endless hours of unprompted 1990s system updates, the CEO of Microsoft would’ve been more patient.
DO play it cool, instead. Busy yourself with counting the commas in your bank account, and patiently wait for the most coveted phone call of every hedge fund manager before you. Otherwise:
DON’T expect to get a patron tournament badge through any Augusta National authorized methods, ever. It’s time to get creative.
DO give your business to somebody you know who rewards his top clients with tournament badges (15,000 truckloads of mulch colorant—it’s obvious your company can’t function without it). Also try any business dealings you can drum up with the zillion-dollar Japanese companies that fly more than 500 guys on the company jet just for the tournament.
DON’T tell your boss about this method if you have one. If you’re the boss, by all means, don’t tell your accountant or the board.
DO register to “win” practice round tickets or daily tournament tickets at tickets.masters.com. All you need is the luck required of both a hole-in-one on the arduous No. 10 and the Powerball lottery, along with a valid credit card.
DON’T forget that Masters patron badges are hands- down the BEST dowries in the South. If you’re single and ridiculously handsome, there are creative options for you not yet exhausted.
DO scout for mature potential brides (the closer to death, the better) outside of the event’s pearly gates. May the
little old lady with the most impressive collection of past tournament badges dangling from her hat win. When she dies, your glorious inheritance of her patron badges awaits.
DON’T forget to at least carry her chair and fetch her $1.50 pimiento cheese sandwiches. It’s the gentlemanly thing
to do. If you’re not single or handsome enough for this route—seeing as the competition’s fiercer than a sudden- death playoff with Jordan Spieth—then you’d better have your life savings in your pocket as backup.
DO know you can always rely on the tried-and-true method of shopping online ticket brokers. These days, some offer unbeatable customer service. One word: LAYAWAY.
DON’T ever tell your wife or girlfriend that you actually put tickets to a sporting event on layaway, or how much it cost you.
DO say to her instead, “Honey, can you believe it?! My buddies got Masters tickets and just invited me—isn’t that so unbelievably generous and kind,” and hope she doesn’t read this list.