During the coldest season, avoid loneliness but embrace solitude
Winter gives people the blues. Short, dark days leave folks staying inside and feeling alone. A 2021 national survey by CIGNA health insurer found that 61% of U.S. adults are considered lonely by clinical standards. They also discovered that 79% of young adults (ages 18-24) feel lonely and 77% percent of single parents say they experience deep loneliness. Older adults can expect to live a shorter life than their peers who don’t feel isolated.
Loneliness peaks in the winter months as the landscape outside mirrors how people feel inside: chilled, deserted, empty. Loneliness is yearning and sadness. But winter can bring its own reward—solitude. It doesn’t need to be isolation or loneliness. Solitude is constructive. The quiet space of winter gives us time to regroup, organize, rest, and look within to ask—what do I want?
Unfortunately, when we don’t use these moments of quiet to reflect on the good we want to do for ourselves and/or others, we can race ahead and insist we know what we’re doing. Often, lonely singles think that if they find someone to love them, all their misery will vanish.
One of my clients was in the middle of winter gloom, alone and yearning for love. Shy, isolated in his house, he went to a local pub one night. A woman walked in and said hello as she passed where he was seated. It was love at first spoken word. Not good. I’m not saying these things don’t happen. But he was not prepared within; not capable of monitoring how vulnerable and desperate he was. His emotions were racing. They started to talk, then date, then plan a future. “I’m in love!” he’d say for weeks, to anyone who’d listen.
Related: During the holidays, these family fingerprints will become most visible.
And then, whoops, he wasn’t. The woman he met turned out to make choices that collided with his principles. She cheated. She lied. And she laughed about it! He was confused and hurt by her behavior.
I asked, “What’s going on with you that you take her attitude and morals personally? Do you think you caused her conduct? Yes, you felt a connection at first, but you didn’t know her yet. Chemistry is wonderful—but it evaporates if the person doesn’t share your values.” Disappointed, depressed, but not willing to give up, we pushed on.
Step by step, he weeded out his own toxic habits. (Sitting at the computer all day, skipping showers, not getting out, not exercising, subsisting on pizza and donuts.) He was clear about becoming the person he wanted to meet. He was looking for an ethical woman, as well as sharing chemistry with her. Finally, he took responsibility for how and what he could do to start dating. Shy people, or those who go to the same places over and over, need new plans and actions to take—and someone to hold them accountable.
He met an attractive, slightly older woman the following fall. They’re planning a winter vacation. He’s experienced the quiet power of winter and looks forward to sharing its magic.
